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The Auto-Orientalist, the Heaven of Western Europe, & the Hell of the Homeland

Caution: this post is harsh, opinionated, and not very politically correct! It might also be a bit disgusting for multiple reasons the least of which is using words such as merde and urine! Sorry!

Edward Said spent a great part of his life discussing orientalists and orientalism … luckily to Said, he did not live to witness a lot of what is now a full fledged phenomenon of auto-orientalism … and that is when an oriental orientalises him/herself, and thus becomes an auto-orientlist. 

Welcome to the world of auto-orientalists … Below is a side of the personality that surfaces most upon visiting Western Europe and unfortunately (to the tourist) coming back to the homeland (in case you are wondering why Western Europe? Because visiting Western Europe for a few days every … century … makes the auto-orientalist a unique, unbeatable, unreachable, and exceptional creature! Northern America is too far, and Oceania is on another planet. There are always exceptions though). 

Ok, so here is how it usually commences ….

“Europe is so clean you don’t find a spot of dirt on the streets” … yeah … you might not find dirt, but if you move your posterior beyond touristic attraction sights you might find merde on the streets … and you will be lucky to see it and not discover it right before slipping in and on it! Tip: Maybe reading the series of books called Merde by Stephen Clarke can help you imagine that day you decide to wander beyond the borders of shopping centres … and slide on merde! I would really love to document that moment with a polaroid and send it to you as a postcard signed with ‘From Europe with Merde!’

Did your highness ever try metro stations on weekend nights in Heaven (aka Western Europe)? I am sure you haven’t (You? Metro? How dare I?! I really apologise I forgot that you were born in a limousine) and I am sure you think those stations smell like Parisian perfume. But sadly, your highness is wrong, those mostly smell like urine! You might consider it perfume of course … because anything outside the borders of your (disgusting and ugly) country is perfect … even if it is urine!

And what is it with your statements that everyone abides to the law in your defined Heaven, and no one cuts a queue and no one drives outside lane lines and no one tosses rubbish outside their car windows and and and and? So you suddenly know what law is? You suddenly appreciate queuing? You drive inside lane lines and don’t swing and sway between lanes in your country of nationality (citizenship is an overstatement because an auto-orientalist is not a citizen of any country. A national of the homeland is more than enough). You park in allocated spots? You change your route not to drive through a one way street? Oh and you don’t even touch your mobile phone and take selfies or play whatever trending game because it is “illegal”?

Yeah … right!

Do you even wear your seatbelt right? Or do you have your own hack to stop that God damn buzzing reminder? Ha! Do you wear your seatbelt on the passenger seat like they do in Western Europe? … Of course.

Sorry to tell you that you define hypocrisy, selective subordination, and have an astonishing amount of love of humiliation! You even deserve an Oscar (or a Palme D’Or given that it comes from the part of the continent where Heaven is) for best double standard creature on earth.

Still in denial that you preach what you don’t practice?

Just look at yourself next time you see a queue, or next time you are on the roads driving (between lanes), or the next time you satisfy your narcissistic needs by filming yourself while driving, or the next time you open your window to throw a chewing gum wrap or a cigarette “butt”, or your principles.

And that’s just a drop in the ocean of your double standards … but going into further representations of your auto-orientalism is not necessary … for that all the remaining aspects mirror each other … and all mirror the above.

However, you seriously do need to think about why you hate yourself as a first step, and about why you hate yourself to that extent as a second step. Plus, and out of pure curiosity, why have you decided to take a role that was never yours, a role that shouldn’t have been anyone’s to start with!

Khalas … that’s it … and Western Europeans? I apologise for using your part of the continent as an example (as well as your continent’s perfumed urine and merde) … but that’s what the auto-orientalists talk about most! Please do give them un-dreamy examples if you feel like it. Or give them dreamy examples of their own homelands! The auto-orientalist will never benefit from my dreamy examples of the homeland … just like urine is perfume in some continents, perfume is urine in others! And I am not a west European to convince them that there is urine and there is perfume everywhere on this planet! 


استشراق الذات، جنة أوروبا الغربية، وجحيم الوطن


تنبيه: هاي التدوينة قاسية وبعيده كل البعد عن المقبول … بالاضافة لهاد، فيها كلمات غير لائقة لذوي الألسنة الطاهرة. 

ادوارد سعيد قضى وقت كبير من حياته وهو يناقش موضوع الاستشراق والمستشرقين بس من حسن حظه انه ما عاش وشاف اجدد وافخر مراحل تطور هالظاهرة الى ظاهرة استشراق الذات.

اوروبا كتيييييييير نظيفة ما بتلاقي نقطة وسخ على الارض”  … جملة يرددها المستشرقون الذاتيون لأغراض غير مفهومة. مهو ازا حضرتكم ما بتروحوا الا على الأماكن السياحية أكيد ما رح تشوفوا وسخ … لو حضرتكم بتتنازلوا وبتستكشفوا باقي البلد اللي زرتوه مش بس أماكن التسوق والتقاط السيلفيز لأغراض الاستعراض كان بتلاقوا اكتر من وسخ … (ذوي الألسنة الطاهرة غمضوا عيونكم) … كان أكيد بتلاقوا خ.ر … وبتكونوا محظوظين ازا شفتوه قبل ما تغوصوا فيه او تتزحلقوا فيه … شو بحب أكون جنبكم بهديك اللحظة واصوركم صورة تذكارية للاجيال القادمة! 

طيب عمركم طلعتوا بالميترو وبالتحديد في ليالي عطلة نهاية الأسبوع؟ أكيد لا … جماعة السيارات ما رح يركبوا وسائل نقل عام عمومية متل عامة الشعب … انتوا جماعة مميزين … مقطوع وصفكم. المهم … بتعرفوا كيف بتكون ريحة محطات المترو خلال هاي الأيام بالتحديد؟ كمان أكيد لا … بس يمكن تتخيلوا انه رائحتها كرائحة العطور الفرنسية … للأسف انه الوضع مش هيك … (ذوي الألسنة الطاهرة غمضوا عيونكم كمان مرة) ريحتها بتكون متل ريحة البول … بمعنى شخايخ مش بمعنى طابة بالإنجليزي. بس يمكن قد ما انتوا مستشرقين للذات تعتبروا بول اوروبا عطر كمان! 

بعدين شو بالنسبة لأسطوانة القانون والنظام بأوروبا وكل حدا بيمشي عليه و و و و و ؟ بلا مؤاخذة حضرتكم لما تسوقوا بشوارع بلدكم المسكين  (الجحيم قصدي بما انه هيك بنظركم) كيف بتسوقوا؟ على المسرب وحسب السرعة اللي مكتوبة على طرف الطريق؟ ولا بتترقوصوا يمين وشمال وبتسنتروا الخط اللي على الارض مع نص السيارة بما انه الشارع الكم؟

حضراتكم بتصفوا على الدور ببلادكم؟ ولا بس برا بصير؟ حضراتكم بتحطوا حزام الأمان زي ما بتحطوه بجنة اوروبا الغربية ولا عندكم خدع لتخريس التنبيه تبع الحزام؟ طيب بلاش، حضراتكم بتحطوا الحزام ازا قاعدين جنب السائق؟ زي بأوروبا الغربية لانه قانون ونظام وامان و و و و و؟ 

هو بالله تسألوا حالكم هالاكم سؤال … ليش بتكرهوا حالكم؟ وليش بتكرهوا حالكم لهاي الدرجة؟ وشو بتستفيدوا من استشراقككم الذاتي هاد؟

مشااااااااااان مين وشو ما بدكم … مش بس اعفوني، اعفوا البشرية كلها!